4 Relationship Behaviors That Tell Me You Are Headed Toward Divorce
Every relationship has challenges, right? So how do you know if your relationship is going to make it? Thanks to John and Julie Gottman we now know if your relationship is headed to disaster. Married couple, John and Julie Gottman are world renowned researchers and psychologists that have studied thousands of couples. They have developed the Gottman therapy to treat couples and are famous for being able to predict which couples will get divorced with 90%accuracy. IThey have observed four behaviors that indicate a couple will not make it.
We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it is going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.- John Lennon
Criticism.
Every couple argues and has challenges. It is very important to address issues that arise in a relationship, but there is a way to do it that can lead your relationship to the divorce attorney. Criticism is when you address a problem or complaint about your partner, but rather that addressing the behavior, you criticize your partner’s character or who they are as a person.
An example of criticism would be, if you are frustrated with your partner for not taking out the trash and you say, “You’re so lazy. You never take the trash out.” or “You just expect me to do everything for you.”
A better alternative to criticism is a gentle start up. Rather that criticizing your partners character, express your needs. A great way to do this is to use “I” statements and express a positive need. “I feel frustrated when the trash is full and you don’t take it out. “ or “I need you to take the trash out when it is full without me reminding you.”
Gentle start up allows you to address the problem without tearing your partner down making it less likely they will feel defensive or engage their fight or light response.
2. Defensiveness.
Defensiveness is another behavior that predicts that your relationship is headed to disaster. Often, this is a response to criticism, which is another reason it is important to not engage in criticism. Regardless of what made you defensive, the behavior is damaging to your relationship and it does not fix the problem at hand. By blaming the partner and saying it is you and not me, you are escalating the issue. Defensiveness is when you victimize yourself in order to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame to your partner.
An example of defensiveness would be, “I didn’t take the trash out because you didn’t remind me.”
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility for your part of the conflict. “You’re right. I agreed to take care of that household chore and I forgot to do it. I will handle that and will remember to take it out next time.”
Taking responsibility for your part, reduces the chance of the conflict escalating and allows you and your partner to start working on a solution or compromise, rather that pointing fingers.
Learn more about “How To Deal With Difficult People”
3. Stonewalling.
Stonewalling is when you shut down and stop talking. Your partner brings up a conflict or concern and you refuse to talk about it and leave your partner hanging. This a way for you to avoid conflict and can be highly frustrating for your partner leaving them to feel distant, disconnected and unheard or not cared for. The common reason that people respond with stonewalling is because they are dysregulated. In this state you feel emotionally overwhelmed and it may not know what to say or feel like nothing you say will be the right thing. In this state your fight or flight system has turned on and you are likely in freeze mode, flooded by your emotions. You may feel physical distress like tense muscles or a racing heart and a bunch of stress hormones are released in the body and your logical thinking part of your brain shuts down. You don’t have control of making this response happen or not, but there are better ways to deal with it.
When you are stonewalling that means that you need to soothe your nervous system. Take a break from the conversation and get away from eachother. You can do this by telling your partner that you are overwhelmed, need a break and a time when you will come back and discuss it. During your break, get away from your partner and don’t discuss the issue and distract yourself from the topic. You can take deep breaths, go for a walk, watch a funny video or anything that helps bring your body back into a state of calm. The break should last for at least 20 minutes. Once you are calm, you will be surprised at how different the conversation may go.
4. Contempt.
I saved the biggest one for last. Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. It is the behavior that conveys moral superiority over your partner. This could look like sarcasm, cynicism, eye rolling, mockery and hostile humor.
An example would be, “Sure, I will take the trash out for you since you are obviously incapable of doing it yourself (eye roll).”
This is the behavior you should avoid the most in your relationship because of it’s damaging effects. The antidote to contempt is creating a culture of apreciation in your relationship. Practice telling your partner often the thiings about them that you are grateful for. Think of your your relationship as an emotional bank account. Every negative interaction is a withdraawl and every psitive interaction is a deposit. The magic ratio you want to reach is 5 positives deposits for every one negative withdrawl.
“I appreciate all you have been doing around the house lately, but could you please remember to take the trash out when you see that it is full?”
Learn about “Why You attract Toxic Relationships”
In conclusion, now that we know the behaviors that lead to divorce, you can give your relationship the best shot at success. Avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Practice gentle start-up, taking responsibility, self soothing, and creating a culture of appreciation. If you need more support in those areas, that is what therapy is for. Schedule your free consult with me to get started. What do you think about the Gottman’s findings? Share in the comments below!
What do you think about the Gottman’s findings? Share in the comments below!
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.
