Loving someone that has addiction is challenging. You want to support them but, it is a painstaking process. It is frustrating, heartbreaking and you can feel powerless. Finding the balance of helping them, without losing yourself can be difficult. You love them, want what is best for them and desperately want to save them but you can’t do it for them. So what do you do?

“To love someone in addiction is to love two people in one body: the one that was, and the one that struggles to break free.”

Anonymous

Prioritize Self-Care.

Caring for someone with addiction can be emotionally draining. It is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s crucial to take time for your own mental, physical, and emotional health. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Fill your cup first. Make time for activities that restore your energy and peace of mind.

• Take care of your physical health. Ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising regularly. Physical health strongly influences emotional resilience.

• Maintain a strong social network. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand your situation or who can provide a listening ear. Regular social interactions can help you feel less isolated.

• Schedule "Me Time." Intentionally carve out time in your schedule for self-care, whether it's a quiet walk, a favorite pastime, or simply time to relax and recharge.

• Invest in hobbies and interests. Dedicate time to activities that bring you joy and allow you to disconnect from the stress. Whether it’s reading, painting, or spending time outdoors, engaging in these activities can be a refreshing break.

• Engage in mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Practices like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing can help reduce stress and keep you centered amid challenging situations.

• Manage your time wisely. Set limits on what you're willing to do and how much emotional energy you invest. This protects your well-being and prevents burnout.

• Practice self-compassion. Recognize that your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that taking care of yourself is essential—not selfish—especially when you're supporting someone else.

• Go to therapy. Take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing. Get support from a professional.

Educate Yourself on Addiction.

Having a loved one in addiction can make you feel powerless. Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the nature of addiction, which can foster empathy and help you manage your expectations, reducing feelings of responsibility for the addiction. For example, it can be helpful to know that:

• Addiction is a disease, not a choice. Addiction is a chronic, brain-based illness that alters how a person thinks and behaves. It’s not simply a matter of willpower, weak character or a moral failing, which helps shift the focus from blame to understanding. Recognizing this can shift your perspective from blame to compassion, making it easier to support your loved one while encouraging them to seek professional help.

• Brain chemistry plays a major role. Substances can hijack the brain’s reward system, reinforcing addictive behaviors and making it incredibly challenging to quit without support. This change in brain function is a key reason why addiction persists.

• Recovery is a journey with setbacks. Recovery is rarely linear. There will be progress as well as setbacks, and relapses are common. Patience, resilience, and realistic expectations can help you stay supportive without feeling defeated. You can celebrate small victories and understand that setbacks don’t erase the progress that’s been made.

• Enabling can unintentionally prolong addiction. While your intentions are rooted in care, behaviors like rescuing or covering up for the addict can reinforce their dependency. Learning to set healthy boundaries is essential to encourage accountability and recovery.

  
  

Set Healthy Boundaries.

Boundaries protect your emotional and mental well-being and help you to not enable your loved one. Establishing clear, consistent boundaries is essential for protecting your well-being while still offering support. Boundaries can help you maintain your own health and dignity while also encouraging the addict to take responsibility for their recovery. Supporting someone with addiction doesn’t mean enabling destructive behaviors. Clear boundaries help protect your well-being and also create a structure that discourages harmful patterns. Decide what behaviors you can and cannot accept, and communicate these boundaries respectfully. Remember, consistency and clear communication are key in enforcing these limits. Some effective boundaries you may want to consider include:

• What are your financial boundaries? Decide in advance whether you will lend money or pay bills. For example, you might clearly state that you won't provide funds if there's a risk they’ll be used to purchase substances.

• How much communication do you have the bandwidth for? Set guidelines for when and how you’re available. For instance, you might agree to only engage in conversations when the person is sober and calm, rather than during moments of crisis or intoxication.

• What do you need to feel safe and comfortable in your home or physical space? If the individual lives with you, consider rules like “no substance use on the premises” to help maintain a safe and healthy environment.

• In what ways are you surpassing your emotional limits? Clarify that while you care about them, you aren’t responsible for their recovery. This might mean avoiding getting drawn into rescue behaviors or feeling accountable for their actions.

• What behaviors are you engaging in that rob your loved one of facing the consequences that their addiction creates? Establish a firm rule against covering up for or making excuses for their behavior. Let them know that you won’t intervene in ways that allow their addiction to continue unchecked, such as lying to employers or friends.

• What will you do if they cross the boundaries you create?Communicate the consequences if boundaries are crossed. For example, you might explain that repeated violations will mean stepping back or altering the nature of your relationship until they’re ready to seek help.

  
  

Read, “When Hustling for Worthiness Through People Pleasing, Performing and Perfecting Fails.”

Identify Your Codependent Patterns.

Codependency is a relational pattern where an individual excessively relies on others for approval, self-worth, and identity. This dynamic often involves prioritizing someone else's needs over your own, sometimes to the point of neglecting your emotional, mental, or physical well-being. Key characteristics include difficulty setting boundaries, an overwhelming need to please others, and enabling behaviors that may prevent a loved one from facing their own challenges. While not formally recognized as a standalone disorder in diagnostic manuals, codependency is widely discussed in the context of dysfunctional relationships—often where issues like addiction or chronic mental health struggles are present. These patterns, while often rooted in love and a desire to help, can ultimately undermine both your well-being and the addict’s recovery process. Recognizing these dynamics is an essential first step toward fostering healthier relationships and encouraging professional support for both parties.

In relationships with addicts, codependency often manifests as a set of behaviors where one partner prioritizes the addict's needs and problems over their own, sometimes to the point of enabling destructive patterns. Recognize behaviors that prioritize others over yourself, and understand how these habits can prevent you from addressing your own needs. Some key characteristics include:

• Providing excessive caretaking. You might find yourself constantly managing or rescuing the addict’s responsibilities—handling crises, covering up for them, or taking on tasks they neglect—all in an effort to maintain stability.

• Accidentally enabling poor behavior. Instead of allowing natural consequences to prompt change, you may inadvertently protect the addict from the repercussions of their actions. This can involve making excuses for their behavior or interfering with the natural outcomes of their choices.

• Failing to set or hold boundaries. A reluctance to say no or set clear limits often leads to over-involvement in the addict’s issues. This lack of boundaries can result in feeling overwhelmed and losing sight of your own needs.

• Feeling responsible to fix or needing to be needed. You might base your self-worth on being needed, feeling responsible for the addict's well-being, and allowing their struggles to dictate your emotional state. This can lead to neglect of your own health and identity.

• Denying the problem exists or making the problem seem smaller than it actually is. In an effort to preserve the relationship, you might downplay or rationalize the severity of the addiction, avoiding confrontations or interventions that could spark necessary change.

Read how growing up with emotionally immature parents impacted you.

Seek Professional Guidance.

While your love and support are valuable, professional intervention is often essential. Therapists, addiction counselors, and rehabilitation programs provide specialized guidance that can make a significant difference. Encourage your loved one to engage with these resources and consider seeking professional support for yourself to navigate the complexities of the situation. Consider therapy to gain personalized strategies, emotional support, and a safe space to explore your feelings—empowering you to balance care for others with care for yourself. Therapy, particularly approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or counseling focused on relational patterns, can offer personalized strategies for breaking codependent cycles. Support groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) or Al-Anon also provide community insights and shared experiences.

Having a loved one with addiction is challenging, but you are not alone. You are not the first, nor the last person to go through something like this. Use the wisdom of others that have gone on this journey before you to guide you. Make your self-care a priority, educate yourself on addiction, have good boundaries, and be mindful of your codependent patterns. Get professional help for yourself and your loved one. Professional experts can help you spot the pitfalls and figure out the best course of action for you and your loved one.

What are your thoughts? Share your comments below. Let’s learn from each other!

Disclaimer: All comments are visible to the public. The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your therapist or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog post. The author and publisher of this post are not responsible for any actions or inaction you may take based on the information presented in this post.

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